*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
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“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.