We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
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My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Hero horse inspires millions
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious