[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
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You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Krampus.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.