My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
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I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Phones down.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I falcon love using swear birds
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training