Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
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i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.