Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
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ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Thursday
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded