Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
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You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
absolutely not
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.