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it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you