If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
You Might Also Like
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.