My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
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One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”