gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
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mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.