Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
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Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo