ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
You Might Also Like
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes