officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
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Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”