Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
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Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?