You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
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This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
set yourself free xox
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
@ candidates for local office
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?