Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
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*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick