[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
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him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”