Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
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Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
In space, no one can hear…
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
🤣🤣
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.