My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
You Might Also Like
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
This is me 🤣🤣
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
This is my favorite one of these!