Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
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and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?