Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
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When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
You can’t rush stupid.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.