My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
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My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Who knew!
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.