Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
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Happy weekend !
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
A Short Story.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.