What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
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2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit