I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
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Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?