God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
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I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.