Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
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But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
the #horror is real!
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Mornin
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded