Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
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abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.