“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
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There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works