I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
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Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?