I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
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What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
RT if you could go either way.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’