me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
You Might Also Like
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
An odd boast
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.