I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
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My love language is hissing.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec