I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
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[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water