Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
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I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
“OMGJK” -atheists
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks