Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
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Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.