My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
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*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
That eye roll….
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
she has a point
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
The fall of Netflix