*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
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After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Overindulged this afternoon.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring