Butt weight. There’s more!
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Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.