Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
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soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
No regrets in 2018
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things