Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
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I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
all that yoga finally paid off
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
British websites use biscuits.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no