Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
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Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood