Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
You Might Also Like
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Me, flirting😏
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers