I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
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[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Y’all know who you are.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
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[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours