MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
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My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I put the h in mysterious.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***