I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
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Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.