son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
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I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”