The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
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ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
My work here is done
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.