People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
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Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Cucumbers Anonymous
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.